Sorry, the acronym comes out to be NUC. This in no way has anything to do with the existing body by that name, although it is adequately qualified to serve as a midwife to the establishment of our new National University of Corruption. It just occurred to me that with 141 universities in Nigeria, and each complaining of shortage of staff in virtually every discipline, that there is one discipline we will not find any shortage at all. It beats me hollow that our universities are so visionless and so unenterprising in not thinking of establishing such a university. Perhaps, Nigeria is not yet as corrupt as to start a full-fledged National University of Corruption, at least not until we see the outcome of the current Economic and Financial Crimes Corruption investigation into the $2.1bn arms purchase scandal.
Maybe, we could start by establishing a Department of Corruption Studies in every of the 141 universities we currently have, many of which were corruptly established and sustained through discreditable accreditation. Let us forget about such commonly accepted certification of existing institutions and focus on building world class widely acclaimed centres of excellence in corruption and corrupt practices. The vision of our NUC will be to become the global centre of excellence in corruption and corrupt practices. We will have the mission to train graduates who will be agents of corruption in every nook and corner and to the uttermost part of the world! Oh yes, I have not forgotten, the motto will be Corrupt all Corruptible, not forgetting the Saints!
The first issue on the establishment of the NUC is, which state will host such an institution? I think each of our 37 states has the qualification and the conditions for the establishment of such a university. But none can surpass the sterling quality, eminence, class, worth and superiority of Abuja, the Federal Capital of the assets we need for our university of corruption. To avoid the accusation of favouritism by either the north or the south, and prevent wrangling among the geopolitical zones, Abuja, which eminently qualifies and far outshines any state in terms of infrastructure and human resources, will be our choice for the permanent site of Nigeria’s National University of Corruption. We will not allow any state to corruptly corner the location of such a distinctive university. We cannot afford to cut corners on maintaining the highest level and standard of corruption in selecting the site for the NUC. If we fail in such a minor matter, why establish the university at all?
So we all agree that we should locate the NUC in Abuja. Now comes which part of Abuja will serve as the permanent site of the university. We need to find hectares of corruptly acquired land, especially an area that has been earmarked for different projects by different governments, and which has numerous claimants who have gone to the courts and are awaiting judgment. That way the subject of ownership and the intricacies of ensuring that the land becomes the property of the university will become case studies for the postgraduate students of the university. Of course, nothing stops the officers of the university from acquiring and paying for the National Stadium as a temporary site for the university. It is all in the game of perfecting corruption. The academic and administrative staff of such a university must show impeccable evidence of outstanding experience in fraudulent practices.
The problem with selecting members of the Board of Trustees and Council of the NUC will not arise because of the shortage of qualified candidates, but how to select the best and the most eminent team, who will ensure that the university does not veer away from its motto of Corrupt all Corruptible, not forgetting the Saints!
It will be a disaster should any act of the Board or Council appear or be seen as resembling honesty uprightness or honour. That will call for immediate sacking and imprisonment of members of such a Board or Council.
I have no doubt in my mind that there are enough fraudulent persons with fake doctorates and theses cooked on falsified data to occupy the exalted positions of dishonest counterfeit and deceitful lecturers. Indeed, many with their initial credentials will qualify straight as emeritus professors! We will not need to search far to find distinguished tutors, lecturers, and part-time lecturers, from the celebrated array of parliamentarians, judges, retired civil servants, and active businessmen versed in iniquity, depravity, and degeneracy, especially those bedecked with our tainted national honours. Indeed, many will be coming to the classrooms from their hallowed chambers and halls of perfidy, with real time experience dripping with deception.
What courses shall we teach in our NUC? With the level of depravity abounding in the country, it will be a waste of time to run a four-year degree course, as currently done in our universities. We will still run a four-year course, but divided into a two-year tranche leading to a bachelor’s degree in fraud, deceit, deception, and trickery. The two-year course is actually to fine tune skills acquired from birth, nurtured at home and cultivated in our primary through the secondary schools. The university will run foundational 100 level courses in Immorality, Unethical practices and Dishonesty, which will be taken by all students irrespective of their family background, history of fraudulence and level of decadence. We will then run 200 level courses in High Level Fraudulent Transactions, Intergalactic Crookedness, Space Age Decadence and Global Interagency Debauchery. A student can then graduate with a Bachelor of Corruption degree with specialisation in any of the 200 level courses above. We will of course award degrees to deserving students in the approved categories and classes: First, Second Upper, Second Lower Third, and ordinary pass. Any student who fails in the university will be sent to seminaries, Bible colleges and departments of religious studies in regular universities, where he or she should have gone to, in the first place before missing the way to the National University of Corruption.
We will have stringent rules for admission into the two-year postgraduate courses. First, postgraduate admission will be open to only graduates of the NUC. We do not want any pollution of the quality and standard of our corruption. Before any graduate returns for a postgraduate course, he or she must undergo a one-year attachment and internship in one of Ministries, Departments, Agencies, parastatals, political party offices, national and state assemblies, LGA offices, banks, law firms, and a few qualifying religious institutions – churches and mosques – with the propensity to practise the doctrine of prosperity, opulence, affluence and success by any and all means.
Only those who have completed a year contributing in the place of internship, to the stealing more money than was stolen before their time, will be readmitted for postgraduate studies. And they must have done this successfully – that is, without detection by the EFCC and with silencing of any whistle blowers. The university will approve any method employed for avoiding the EFCC scrutiny and silencing whistle blowers. However, we do not condone permanent silencing of either the EFCC operative or the whistle blower. Should any of them get into the limelight of the EFCC, they must do it in such a way that the agency will go into FLEA, (sorry), plea bargain with them. Actually plea bargain is another term for fleece bargaining, which makes it difficult to know who is doing the fleecing or who is being fleeced. Our returning postgraduate students must ensure that while in the EFCC custody, they are “imprisoned” in a VIP hospital bed in one of the tertiary health centres, guarded by no less than top officials from the EFCC, ICPC, police, Army, FRSC and “Yellow Fever”! At the end, even if found guilty, their lawyer must ensure that they get only a fine, instead of imprisonment.
– Tomori is a professor of virology and former vice chancellor of Redeemer’s University
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